am not sure wether to laugh or cry, that laughing yoga was just too much. surely he isnt for real? lol makes me look like the most sane normal person on the planet  but thanxs syd i appreciate that gesture - so far so good today have only cried twice, its a start

No forgiveness for SydneySiders! None!

She has "Trident" and I don't!

One of the unfortunate side effects of modern technology's ability to solve cold cases is the fact that it will open old wounds and bring back memories best forgotten.  None the less, you need to pursue justice here both for yourself and anyone else this criminal may have hurt. Unknown others may have also been victimized by this person but you may be the only link to proving guilt. Be strong, and good luck. 

 You have lived with the consequences of this criminal act for decades, now it is the perpetrators turn to also deal with the consequences.

your right wizard, 20 yrs ago the police dealing with me said there had been 20 other rapes, one poor lady was murdered. i will persue it for them and for me.  thankyou all for giving me hope, i know this isnt easy to hear about or read about but i do thankyou all for the comfort you have given me

Take this little guy with you......

He'll do the laughing while you send that jerk to his just desserts with no ice cream. We're with you all the way love. Hang in there.

well today i saw victim support, they were so nice. they will be with me from start to finish. they did warn me that it could take a few months to come to trial coz there are other victims.  it doesnt bear thinking about but i know i will find the strength when i most need it

i have been shown so much kindness, i am not used to kindness and its quite strange but it has made a huge difference. i am not gonna comment anymore til its over but i thankyou all from the bottom of my heart   

well... you comment any time you feel like it lou.... we'll be right here if you need some company or need to sound off..... we're along for this ride til they turn that key.....

glad victim support has been such a positive experience for you.....and it's good..... (in a way) that there are other victims.... will take that intense focus off you a little bit..... rather than you being the one and only it hinged on....

you'll be fine.....      you're sounding stronger all the time.....      

well i have to be honest the last couple of days have been tough, have been so close to just ending it. i cant even  cycle now coz am so distracted i keep veering in the middle of the road. i spent several hours sitting in my bath with a razor blade and couldnt find the courage to do it. god knows am trying to be strong but i just cant. the thought of the trial is bad enough, having to be moved with a new identity away from my friends is not helping. its ironic that in the 21st century there is no specific support for ppl like me who have been thru what i have. oh there is rape crisis but i dont count because i am not female. there is survivors  uk for men who have been raped - so its down to me and my close friends to try and make sense of it all. victim support are very kind and supportive so are the police but this is just showing me how society really feels about ppl like me. i have had a lot of kindness from ppl over the past few days, i find that hard to cope with coz am not used to kindness. no wonder i have always been so antaganostic to authority-i know that even in court i am gonna be judged for being me, i am gonna do my best to get thru it but i dont think i am gonna get the peace after that i hope for

Now, now, self-harm is not the answer.  You've been harmed more than enough as it is, so please, put those thoughts away and focus on moving forward with your life.  Draw on the support of your friends and you will find that you do have the strength and courage to get through this.  Also, kindness is something that is given freely by people who care, so accept it in the spirit it is given and you will find that it is not that difficult to cope with at all.  Think of it like this, people do not offer kindness if they don't care... and you must be important to these people in that they've been there for you.

I do wish you all the best with it and remember, you are important and have every right to peace of mind.  Chin up and stiff upper lip, right?

I'm sure you will go through a roller coaster of ups and downs until this is over...and after....but the main thing to focus on.... is taking this person... who ignored your rights... by assaulting you..... and removing his rights.... to have the freedom of our society.... to give you the closure to start to heal.... harming yourself, just means he is still in control... gotta leave those notions behind.... talk to your counsellor about it... they are the best people to help you through....

A start to not being judged for 'being you'... is to walk into that courtroom with your head held high.... expecting.... to be judged as any other human being..... don't look as if you expect to be treated any differently..

Of course.... it's easy for us to coach from the sidelines..... and it's you who has to go through this...... so just take on board that we support you.... even though it's from afar...... and let your friends help in any way they can...

Not sure why you have to go through being given a new identity and moved away from your friends.... I would hope that was only temporary til the trial....not permanent... .... perhaps he is out on bail til the trial...

anyway....take care of yourself.... try to keep positive.... and keep away from the bike for the time being....   

My heart goes out to you loukeeya.

I just want to add a few suggestions. The only way to handle this is if you stay in the present. The past is done. The future is what your trying to fix.

You can do it.  Keep your eyes steadfast on the goal. Make that your shield. Your strength. Think positive thoughts about yourself and today.

You are in my thoughts.

Lou, you need to seek some help, immediately.  Please.

Just saw this.

You're absolutely correct, Tom. I don't think Lou would do anything like that. But even the thought is a "cry for help" so go get it, Nurse.

You know we're right. Just get the help.

guys i am really struggling, i know its the past but its been with me every day of the past 20 yrs. i keep reliving it over and over and yes the diazepam has helped, i dont have the courage to take my own life, am far too weak but it does worry me that i am even thinking of it. its prob coz i really need some peace. my logical brain tells me its ok he is not gonna hurt me and my emotional brain tells me he is gonna hurt and humiliate me. i dont know if he is in prison, on bail or anything-i dont live far from where this attack happened and he was local. i am afraid to go out coz i used to bump into him a few months after the attack. one positive thing i have traced my bf of the time after 20 yrs, we spoke on the phone and he is happy to give evidence. it ruined his life too, he hasnt been able to get over it.

i am trying to live in the moment but my mind just wanders and i am so restless. i cant sleep in my bed now, i feel safe on the sofa with my cats. i hate being in such a mess but feel helpless. i am trying to deal with each day as it comes. i know i do find kindness very difficult to habdle as i am a stranger to it but it is comforting to know that ppl care, strange isnt it that i am such a compassionate person myself - thats why my patients loved me i suppose.

anyway i am sending you all love and thanks for your words which are a comfort to me

This is the PTSD aspect of what happened to you.  When you find your mind dwelling on it, consciously focus on your breathing, or the feel of your feet on the ground as you're walking, and let your mind really focus on the physical aspects of what your body is feeling--the way a baby really feels things that are new, completely nonjudgmentally, exploring every aspect of it...the temperatures, the textures, the little aspects that a person takes for granted.

As far as the feeling safe in your own bed, have you given any thought to getting a dog?  I know they require a lot more attention than cats, and they're not the pet for everyone, but honestly, I feel so much safer having my dog than I would owning a gun.  She lets me know there is someone approaching the door long before they get arm's reach of the door.  I don't know if she would actually protect me if there was a break in, but I know whomever would attempt to break in would hear her bark and know it would be a lot easier to try one of my other neighbor's houses to break in (they have little dogs -- mine is 75 pounds).

Maybe you should take a martial arts class?  My spouse is kind of a wiry guy and spent a great deal of his life frightened about altercations until he learned how to break bones with his bare hands, and now he walks confidently where ever and when ever he wants.  Just knowing you could take care of yourself would be empowering for you.